a question unasked
There is a saying; Unlucky in cards, lucky in love. If this has any truth to it, the minute I hit a Vegas casino that casino will become bankrupt. But I get ahead of myself.
This is a true story, and yes it is about me. I posted a challenge on Twitter and a friend of mine responded. The result is this story.
Soundtrack: Ani DiFranco – Untouchable Face
Back to the story; as I said unlucky in cards, lucky in love. The first time I remember hearing this proverb was in the movie “While You Were Sleeping” a romantic comedy/drama from 1995, now this is just one of the many movies wherein the girl gets the boy or any variation of such a scenario.
There are those who say there is one out there for everyone; this is for me like saying that there is a winning lottery ticket out there. There may be, but the odds are stacked heavily against this happening. This is at least my experience.
My first crush was at age 10-ish I think, and was probably more a result of peer pressure than anything else, and the concept of being in love and the complications it bring was far from my mind.
Since then I have had my share of crushes, of falling in love, falling out of love. This will eventually happen to all of us. This is both a blessing and a curse. As I am sure you have discovered for yourselves already.
I was walking around, minding my own business. I started humming a tune (which one I don’t remember.) I was walking fast, steadily… I had a goal, a purpose. I was headed somewhere specific, this was the day. I was hopeful, my nerves feeling like I’d had 2 pints of coffee transfused directly in to my bloodstream, the neurons in my brain where firing off at random intervals, uneasy about the decisions they had been apart of making. They where ahead of me, they knew, but I was blissfully ignorant.
I was closing in; I stopped for a brief moment. Collecting my thoughts, running through all possible outcomes of the conversation that was about to take place. Like one of those TV-shows where you see politicians duke it out, I was going through every possible outcome, every possible response. I made my choice; I went up to the counter and ordered a double mocha, found my usual table and sat down. Yes today was going to be the day, the mocha did its job, I was more alert. Unsure of this was a good thing or not, I went outside to light up the days first cigarette. Lucky’s are my poison of choice, quite ironical really.
I went about the day as usual, the routine calmed me down. I was still on edge and walking on clouds at the same time. I closed the office door behind me, headed outside. It had started raining, not a big surprise in this city. I lit up another cigarette, covering under a small roof, seeking protection from the cold rain along with the others who I am sure thought just as I did. “Why don’t I quit ?”
I finished my cigarette. Inside it was dry and warm, but I was oblivious to all of this. I am reminded of an experiment wherein a group of people where asked to count the number of times a ball was passed between a group of people, and not one of then noticed the man in a gorilla suit walking across the screen. I was now that group of people trying to count the number of times the ball passed. An elephant, or an entire zoo could have walked past and I would still be focused on the person sitting there, carefully scanning the room with her eyes, while one hand casually played with her hair.
At this moment I was strangely relaxed, the game was set now to throw the dice. Maybe it was the feeling of that this was inevitable that caused me to behave like myself, and not like the jabbering monkey I had feared I would turn out to become.
I sat down and we struck up a conversation. The usual subjects, ones that seldom leads to any surprises. Now the problem with telling someone that your are head-over heels in love with them, needs an angle. It needs more than an angle; it needs to build up over time. Subtle hints needs to be delivered, a mutual unspoken understanding agreed upon. I had tried this. It seemed that either I was too subtle or my subtle actions, hints, carefully thought out replies was being misunderstood. It had in any case left me where I was now. Hopeful, walking on clouds.. and at the same time I was horrified at the possibilities, I had been here before I knew what could happen.
The choice was clear; my fear was clawing at my heart. Was it better not to know for certain ? If I did nothing now, there was always tomorrow and there was still the hope, the uncertainty I could still dream, still walk on those imaginary clouds, letting my heart jump for a second every time I saw her.
My fear grew, my courage failing, everything happening all at once, still talking to her, looking at her. Before I knew the evening ended. I walked her to the bus stop, still talking about what a great evening it had been. I smiled and agreed. The dice was firmly placed in my palms, I already knew that they would stay there. But I still tried to convince myself that the next sentence, the next word, the next second that would be it. The bus made a screeching halt, covering the wall of the bus shed with a wall of water. As we parted I gave her a hug and in what seemed an eternity she kissed me on the cheek.
But I still had tomorrow, I could still imagine….
The End…or is it..
Well this is the story, upon reading through it is seems a bit cliche, but this is what happened. It is not a cry for help, or “I need to be felt sorry for story.” It is a story, it reflects on the my feelings at that time, what happened after, when this was who she was. These are questions I will not answer, for obvious reasons 
So there it is, the story in answer to a challenge…
oh, and please comment on what you think of my writing……
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